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I'm marking three months of sobriety and seeking advice on helping my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehabilitation and support groups, I've reached this goal, although my alcohol use escalated over the past two years. Before that, I was alcohol-free for the first six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Challenges

In the final stages, my drinking was constant, and my son witnessed me unstable and deeply unhappy. He took on a feeling of duty, thinking he was the sole person who could stop me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am deeply regretful about this. I've repeatedly told him that I alone can control my behavior.

He stayed with his father for a few months—we separated five years ago, but his father is supportive of my recovery. He moved back in with me when he started secondary school in September. Confidence between us is gradually building as he sees that I am not drinking and devoting all my effort into improving.

Present Challenges and Emotions

My son remains overly watchful and anxious about my safety. As a result, he is very restrictive of my movements—partly due to anxiety about my past habits, but also because he is on the spectrum and anxious about anything unpredictable. I am working on self-assurance and boundaries; it's tempting to give in to his demands, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It's challenging as I also feel very remorseful.

I reached out to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from local addiction services. In the meantime, I feel really uncertain about how to communicate with him. I don't want to cause him distress, but I also wish not to ignore the past. In what way do we move forward?

Expert Advice on Recovery

Children require a sense of secure, particularly after chaotic periods when they couldn't be sure if their caregiver could protect them safe. They might be concerned about bringing up these issues now. Kids often think things are their responsibility—taking the blame rather than their guardians, as the other option feels overwhelming. Autism can intensify these feelings.

Individuals in the midst of addiction often make apologies they might not be able to keep. It can be hard for family members to know what to trust.

It is common for those in addiction to make assurances they cannot maintain. This means, family may struggle to hard to trust them. In addition to boundaries, it's very important to be consistent and show your son that things are better, instead of just saying him.

Useful Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him adjusting at school and create a good routine. Next, introduce the concept that any topic is off the discussion table—if you're open to it. Dinner times can be a suitable time to talk, as can parallel activities like strolling or driving, since they involve less direct gazing, which individuals find too intense. Maybe there's an hobby you and your son enjoy doing together? Don't think "we must talk," but look for chances for conversation and see if they happen. Also, think about your son's favored way of communication—it may not be speaking; it could be written, or a mix of both.

It's essential for him to know that his safe place besides home might be with his father. Try to not take it personally if he wants to go there sometimes. This isn't a sign you've failed—this is a journey that won't be linear.

Separating Your Needs from His Requirements

You need to distinguish your needs from your son's. Make sure you're not comforting him to ease your own guilt—for your own relief—because you cannot do that via your son. You can concentrate more effectively on what he needs if you have strong assistance yourself.

You are making really well. Keep going.