Asexual identity represents a Spectrum: Understanding Sexual Desire while Pleasure within a Relationship
Her Experience: Understanding A Asexual Identity
Sarah, 37: I have not once enjoyed sex. In my youth, I believed broken because society put it on a pedestal.”
The sole matter that Cameron and I have disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. Upon getting together almost a decade back, physical intimacy was certainly something he wanted on a regular basis than me. After about six months of seeing each other, we chose to try a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could pursue partners who are more sexual than me.
Initially, there were feelings of jealousy initially, but our connection was deepened due to our strong communication, and I grew to feel very confident in our partnership. It’s been a great benefit for our relationship, because I’ve never craved sex. In my younger years, I felt broken since society at large put it on a pedestal, but I couldn’t understood the appeal about it.
After discovering a book about asexuality through a post a while back, it was like looking in a mirror. I was shocked, as at that time I identified as a a person who enjoys sex – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I’d had a fair amount of sex in my 20s. But I feel I participated in much of that intimacy due to the fact that I felt guilty – a remnant of growing up in a society that teaches us you have to please your man.
What the book helped me understand was that being asexual is a broad spectrum. For example, I experience no urge, regarding individuals who I consider attractive. I enjoy their beauty, but I have no desire to be intimate with them. But I appreciate having orgasms. To me, it’s fun and it’s a nice release – a method to settle all the thoughts mentally.
It was very freeing to reveal to Cameron that I am asexual. He accepts it. We do still engage in intimacy, as I sense intense intimacy and bonding with him at that time, and I am deliberately opting when I desire to connect with him physically. It’s not that I have a physical urge, but there are alternative purposes to have sex, such as seeking connection. I see his satisfaction, and that brings me joy. In the same way that a person who is allosexual can opt to abstain, I am able to choose to be physical for different purposes than being turned on.
His Viewpoint: Love Beyond Sex
Cameron, 36: Simply because sex isn’t a priority is not a sign that love is lacking.”
Sex was once extremely significant to me. It’s where I gained much of my confidence. I was unwell and hospitalized frequently during my teens, so sex became something that I thought offered mastery regarding my physique. This began to really change when I met Sarah, because physical intimacy was no longer the central focus in our relationship.
In this relationship, I began seeing greater worth in alternative areas of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I have no desire to engage sexually with other people currently. Should I have like having sex, I have alternative methods to address it. Solo sex is an option, but it can also be going for a stroll, thinking about my thoughts or watercolour painting.
Upon her discovery of her asexuality, I came to see that attraction is primarily about bonding. It can happen via physical intimacy, but additionally via other methods that are just as valuable and satisfying. I once had a set understanding of this identity – without sexual activity, you would not experience desire. But it’s a spectrum, and it takes time to determine where you stand on it.
We have been a couple for almost a decade, and the fact that intimacy isn’t the main focus is not a sign that love is absent. Making specific time for connection is crucial for us. At times we’ll get complex building kits and do them a little bit each day, which is very connecting. Alternatively we plan an evening out and go out for a special beverage and dinner. We cuddle and discuss futures down the road, which is a form of care. I get much satisfaction from cooking for other people, and I feel deeply fulfilled like an afterglow of sex.
Her identity has just expanded the understanding of our bond. It is similar to reducing the resources at your disposal to work with – you have to find new ways with your current situation. It encourages you to think from new angles. But it didn’t diminish the affection that I had for my partner in any way.
